MIDLIFE HEALTH & WELLBEING: Grief and the cycle of loss

We will all encounter grief from time to time – it is a difficult but sadly inevitable part of all our lives. Usually it is grief through bereavement or from the breakdown of a loving relationship. It is always a very challenging time, mentally, emotionally and physically. So it is important to have as good an understanding as we can of its effects, both on clients and on ourselves.

We know that grief triggers the release of the stress hormone cortisol, which is essential for regulating our body but which, at increased levels, can affect our brain function, sleep and energy levels, and cause high blood pressure, headaches, palpitations and inflammation of joints. Sometimes panic attacks can occur. We need to be aware if these symptoms persist and seek help. Exercise and sensible eating can help, even if we don’t feel much like doing either.

As family law practitioners our frequent workplace encounters with grief are usually to do with the ending of a relationship. We might be the first person (the “first responder”), outside immediate close family, with whom the leaving partner or the left behind shares their initial worries, thoughts and feelings. Clients may be in shock or denial and quite unable to process what has just happened, let alone begin to think about the future.

Because we deal with these encounters nearly every day, we might not realise that grief is present. Perhaps because we have become used to following a particular well-trodden path we have followed many times before – the gathering of information and advising or beginning to facilitate conversations about the choices that lie ahead.

If we already have a bit of experience then on the learning cycle we may be in a state of unconscious competence: we have enough experience that we can provide many of our services so easily that we do so unconsciously.

We are not immune or indifferent to our clients’ pain, but we may become sensitised or also and conversely desensitised in order to try to protect our innermost selves from pain or trauma.

Of course we should always remember that we are in a very privileged position: we carry a lot of responsibility, we need to remember each individual, each family, is unique and we should treat the family’s needs with respect and help them to preserve their dignity if we can.

For some clients their relationship breakdown may feel overwhelming. The first meeting with us may feel unfamiliar and strange, like learning a new language. A few familiar terms they may have heard before but complicated and confusing too.

And perhaps they believed that the circumstances in which they now find themselves only applied to others.

From the first meeting a few bits and pieces of information might be retained but sometimes quickly forgotten as they then try to think how they will manage their own physical, mental and emotional needs, deal with lots of change and all the practical things that need to be done at home and, for parents, managing their day-to-day parenting, schooling needs, worries about what to say to their children and wondering how they will cope.

Their feelings of grief may persist for many months.

And for many, as Angela Lake-Carroll always puts it so beautifully, it will feel as though they are ‘looking through a glass darkly’.

The five stages of grief

It is important to remember that everyone copes with grief and loss in different ways

In her excellent book on death and dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross provides a framework for thoughts, behaviours and emotions that are commonly experienced with the loss of loved ones: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The stages are not resolute – everyone’s experience will differ – but some understanding will help us to help our clients and help us make sense of our own emotions and feelings too.

Sharing information with our clients can really help. Taking our time using sensitive language, building rapport and trust. Being kind.

First responders  

How we respond really matters. If we respond in a thoughtful and empathetic way, we can help our clients begin to think about the future and think about taking small steps. For most clients they will only be small steps but important, nonetheless. And we should seek to help individuals feel that their grief is not unusual but entirely normal. Exploring gently can really help the clients and us too with our understanding of their particular, unique circumstances and so clients feel heard and understood too.

And then helping clients go forwards. Even if that just means checking-in in a month’s time for another meeting to see how things have been, how everyone is doing and what further help and support they might need.

And what about us?

If we are struggling with grief in our own personal lives, then the professional work we do becomes even more challenging. If, in time, we are to manage and come through unscathed, then we need to make sure we take time for ourselves, make sure we can access the support we need, and feel able to talk to our colleagues and line managers knowing that we won’t be judged unfavourably.

We do know grief will come knocking on our door one day, often unexpectedly. We receive the call that begins “I am very sorry to have to say…”

At least that might be how it plays out in our mind. Sometimes we may know that day is coming because someone is very poorly, so we try to prepare as best we can. But then when the call comes, we are still caught off guard and left in a state of shock or denial.

When my Mum recently died after a lengthy period of illness I remember thinking and sharing with my wife “of course I knew it was coming but I had just hoped not yet, just not today. One more cup of tea in the garden would have been nice.”

If it is an elderly parent who dies others may say “they had a good life and they wouldn’t have wanted to go on if it meant suffering or the quality of their life was diminished”. That may be so, although we do not really know. All said with the best of intention and meant to be helpful, but the loss is no easier to bear.

Those feelings of loss are likely to be present over two or three years, and sometimes for far longer, but most of us need to find a way to get back to work usually long before that time has passed, and put on our brave face once again, trying to be professional so we can help, support and manage our clients as before. It is a tough time for all.

In time we do become sensitised to the feelings of grief but we don’t forget our loved ones, or the loss and pain. And we can be caught off guard once again when we are least expecting it. Visiting certain places full of memories are common triggers. And music too. If you really want a good cry then Max Richter’s “On the nature of the daylight” or “Mercy” will probably have the desired effect.

And we know new traumas can easily re-trigger old ones, sometimes just through the re-telling, sharing or hearing about others’ losses too.  Sometimes the re-telling of the trauma can lead to an even more heightened state of emotion, anxiety and pain.

And the loss of a second parent will often trigger memories of the loss of a first parent, when we can suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness from years past. As though the death of a first parent has never really been mourned, buried so deep as we focus on the parent who was left behind. But then the walls can come tumbling down all at once, as that chapter of our lives with our parents comes to an end. In essence that feeling of being an orphan, which is very difficult regardless of age, producing its own trauma and often triggering thoughts about our own mortality too.

We do need to be aware about our own triggers.

My experience of trying to manage a poorly mum with dementia (with my sister, who was also then diagnosed with a devasting illness, as was my father-in-law), trying to help her stay in her own home where she wanted to be, was challenging and exhausting over many months. Staying overnight away from home, whilst trying to reassure through the veil of confusion at all times of the night and day. And trying to do the day job too.

A common story for many and especially when you get to a certain age, with older parents, but painful nevertheless.

Sometimes the workplace can offer a welcome respite which can, in turn, trigger significant feelings of guilt. On other days you find yourself feeling lost, distant and, well, just very sad. The end of an era.

I recall managing a mediation meeting just before my mum died when the clients asked if I was okay. I had been listening to them as best I could but it was just one of those days when a profound sadness came over me. The clients were very understanding. In fact, they subsequently shared with me that seeing a bit of my pain helped them to come together to sort out some of their own anxieties, worries and fears about their future. That was kind and generous of them, and hopefully true.

Finding the positives out of difficult times is so important. There are usually some there, even if they seem to be buried quite deep and take a while to surface.

Of course, we always want to do the best we can for our loved ones and our clients too but there are limits on what we can do, both physically and emotionally. And when we look back it is easy to think we could have done more, even though that is often far from the case. We can only do our best.

And going forwards

After bereavement, loss and grief, in time we will return to a normative state of sorts but life won’t feel quite the same. Hopefully, in time, we will begin to find some positives: a slow, steady return to normal functioning can typically take two or three years but it can take much longer. It is very personal.

It is one thing to talk of “going forwards”, but we should no longer talk about “moving on”

– actually I don’t really think we do. Instead, we can try to see grief as a way of adjusting and adapting to loss while keeping hold of the bond with our lost loved ones.

Although we know we don’t always follow the advice and support we provide to others – we are not always good at taking advice – looking after ourselves really does matter and we do need to learn to try to do so. Our own painful experience can give us a better understanding of our clients’ emotions, pain and loss, and we can perhaps feel better able to express compassion and empathy in a more meaningful way. We know that can really make a difference.

And all being well, in time, we will gain more resilience too. So we feel a bit stronger in ourselves each day and feel better placed to manage when grief in our own lives comes calling again one day.

Experience of grief is one thing we will all have in common in time, but we do find a way to go forwards if we know where to look and can find the support we need.

So to finish with a couple of thoughts: From Taylor Swift’s song “Ronan”: “Flowers pile up in the worst way, no-one knows what to say”. And from Robin Williams, remembering to be kind to others and being kind to ourselves too: “Everyone we meet is going through a battle we know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

Being kind costs nothing. Words are not even always necessary. It is the only life we have and it really does make a difference.

Nigel is a member of Resolution’s wellbeing committee, a family mediator and family law supervisor

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