As a divorce lawyer and mediator, I struggled for years trying to “get” clients stuck in entrenched positions to open up to dialogue, whether with me or in discussions with each other. Yet it never worked with clients who, understandably, felt that they were defending themselves, their lived experience, their demands and their sense of (in)justice.
If you are a “fixer” (like me) it can be so easy to fall into the trap of trying to “get” clients to gain insight. What’s a problem-solver to do?!
Since telling, educating, cajoling and nudging wasn’t working, I began searching for a deeper way to understand what is going on when people are in conflict. When I was ready to be a student, my teacher appeared as the Insight Mediation founder, Cheryl Picard. I took Tuesdays off work for all of 2017 and devoted myself to learning. (I was so lucky to have a spouse/partner who could support me to earn less so I could learn more.)
Studying the insight approach helped me understand conflict in a way that resonated with my experiences at work (and at home!)
Why and how does insight work? Here is a summary of some of the techniques used which family justice professionals may be able to incorporate into their practice:
- Notice defensive behaviours (justifying, demanding, persuading, interrupting, repeating) – without attributing a particular meaning to them. The behaviours just tells us something is up that needs exploring.
- Wonder about the behaviour – drop assumptions and be curious. No guessing. No “diagnosing”. No comparing to last week’s case. (I found this hard to do because I thought I had it all figured out – does that ever happen to you?)
- Know that when someone is in defence mode they can’t learn anything new, so stop trying to make that happen (saves time and money!). Neuroscience and biology tell us this so let’s listen.
- Know that when we assume we know what is going on for someone else, we are impairing our ability to learn something new.
- Offer human acknowledgment of the “struggle” – how you do this will depend on your relationship, your role and the behaviours you are noticing. We might call this validation. It’s about demonstrating a sincere desire to understand.
- Be transparent about the specific behaviour you are noticing. Again, how you do this will depend on your role, the behaviour and the context).
- Ask about the perceived threat: “What are you most worried about?” What are you worried will happen if _____?”. Continue the discussion until the threat is revealed and we can work with it – perceived or real. The threat is the barrier to learning, so engaging with it can open up the possibility of learning. (Note: It is not time to problem-solve.)
- Verify that your interpretation is accurate – so much can be lost in translation and we need to express what we are understanding, not just the words being used. Reframing can be a really useful tool.
- Ask what they hope will be better if they are able to have a productive discussion about their worries. In insight this is called “The Hope Question”.
- Pull together the threads of what you have learned from the discussion and ensure you “got it right” (verifying again).
The power of learning is transformative. Our insight “interventions” therefore focus on clearing up threats that impede learning, and then facilitating dialogue in which people can really hear and understand one another.
All of this saves time and liberates us from a focus on outcome and problem-solving when it is not the right time. Then, when it is the time for exploring solutions, people are ready!
Jacinta Gallant
