Ask Elinor: “I can’t switch off after work, and it’s starting to affect my home life”

Dear Elinor,

I’m a family lawyer with fifteen years’ experience. I love my work, but lately I’ve noticed I can’t leave it at the office. I lie awake replaying difficult client conversations, I snap at my partner over small things, and even on holiday I find myself checking emails even when there’s nothing urgent expected. A colleague recently described me as “superwoman” and “always on it” and meant it as a compliment. It didn’t feel like one. How do I actually switch off?

Yours, Running on Empty

Dear Running on Empty,

Thank you for writing, and for the honesty in your letter. What you’re describing is something I hear regularly from family law professionals, and I want to start by saying this: your struggle to switch off makes complete sense given the work you do.

Family lawyers sit with people on some of the worst days of their lives. You absorb conflict, grief, anger and fear, often several times a day, while remaining calm, strategic and composed. Your nervous system is doing an enormous amount of invisible work. When you get home and find you can’t settle, that’s your body still holding what the day asked of you.

Here’s some thoughts to consider.

Your brain needs a bridge, not a switch

We often expect ourselves to walk through the front door and, ta-dah! We instantly become a relaxed partner or parent. However the nervous system doesn’t work like a light switch. It needs a transition. Some of my legal clients build in a “decompression ritual” between work and home: a walk around the block before going inside, ten minutes in the car with music, changing clothes or showering as soon as they get in. These small acts signal to your body that the working day has ended.

Notice what “always on” is costing you

You already sense this, which is why the compliment landed badly. Chronic vigilance erodes the very qualities that make you good at your job: judgement, empathy, patience. Rest isn’t a reward for finishing the work. It’s what makes the work sustainable. For now, just giving yourself permission to notice this cost, without shying away or pretending it’s ‘all fine!’ just because it’s become normalised.

Protect one non-negotiable

Rather than overhauling your whole life, choose one boundary and hold it. Perhaps emails go unchecked after 8pm, or Sunday mornings belong entirely to you. One boundary, kept consistently, rebuilds your sense of having a life outside the caseload.

And finally, please be gentle with yourself. You’ve spent fifteen years training yourself to stay alert to other people’s crises. Learning to stand down takes practice, and sometimes support. If the sleeplessness and irritability persist, talking it through with a therapist who understands the pressures of legal work can make a real difference. That’s a sign of professional wisdom, and your clients, your partner and your future self will all feel the benefit.

With best wishes,

Elinor