As a divorce lawyer, I set myself this task 5 years ago:
How can I do more asking and less telling?
I had observed that clients resisted my efforts to educate, advise or direct them when they were obviously upset. I puzzled over how I could meet my professional responsibility to be a “zealous advocate” and be more of a guide on my client’s scary journey to a new and (usually) better life.
Telling wasn’t working. I became curious about that. I took some time out of the office and studied insight, which changed my life – professionally and personally. I began to watch how people responded when I asked – and when I told.
Should I ask or should I tell?
The tricky and fascinating aspect of human communication is that so much of how we make meaning is non-verbal – tone and body language communicate far more than words. Context matters too: the nature of our relationship and the different “worldviews” we bring to a dialogue (or debate!). Our worldview is our filter and includes the assumptions we bring to every engagement.
So, should I ask or should I tell? Sometimes telling works and often it doesn’t. Sometimes asking is transformative, and other times it leads to defensiveness.
Telling – upside/downside
There are moments when someone can tell me something and it will lead me to ponder – to wonder – to gain insight into how I am showing up in this particular moment: Moments when being told “hits home”, opens my eyes and illuminates blind spots.
I might be initially upset – reacting to your telling, which might feel like yelling to me – but depending on who you are and how I am feeling, I can shift from:
- reacting to responding
- considering
- clarifying and
- opening up.
Professional Tellers are at particular risk of overusing our excellent articulation skills as we take on the role of:
- expert (the one with the answers)
- warrior (the one who will fight)
- fixer (the one who will get it sorted).
But if we’re being honest, telling often leads to a defensive reaction – especially if the person being told is already upset about something.
Asking – upside/downside
We have all felt the joy of a question that led to a brilliant, illuminating insight! I love hearing someone say, “That’s a good question” and watching their heart and brain engage in wondering.
When we ask with a true and demonstrated desire to understand, people tend to open up. This can lead to self-discovery and nourish the very human desire to know ourselves.
But I know I am not alone in asking questions that have led to: “What’s it to you?” or “Everything’s FINE!” or “Why are you even asking – it’s obvious you already know the answer!”
How will I know?
So how can we know when to ask and when to tell? There are observable behaviours that give us clues.
Let’s start with telling in its classic form: the argument. What kinds of behaviours do you observe when people are arguing?
- interrupting
- talking over one another
- justifying
- repeating
- yelling
- shutting down – shutting out
- reassuring – yes, when it includes the patronising “pat on the head”.
We see a lot of telling; an agenda to change the other person’s mind; certainty that I am right; defensiveness and reactivity. We don’t see asking, a desire to understand, curiosity or openness.
What do we observe when people are asking – when the desire to listen and understand is present? We will usually see:
- a pause before a response
- a relaxing of the physical body
- a sense of calm
- a facial signal that says, “I am pondering”
- the absence of the argumentative behaviours above.
But asking can also lead to defensiveness – to the same kind of argumentative behaviours – even when the asker authentically wants to understand.
Noticing as a skill
Noticing is a teachable skill I learned from my mentor, Dr Cheryl Picard, Professor Emeritus and Founder of the Insight Approach to Conflict. In this highly effective approach, we learn to notice the behaviour – interrupting, justifying, repeating, etc – and become curious about what might be feeling threatened and leading to those behaviours.
The defensive behaviour is the clue that tells us now is NOT the time for telling.
This is a challenge for many of us, because our default when we meet defensiveness is to fix, to tell – explain – reassure. But our telling sends a message that we know what’s going on!
If I think I know what is going on for you, I won’t be curious.
And you will resist – resenting me for thinking I know.
If I use my noticing skill, I get a second chance. First, I have to disrupt my certainty that I know what’s going on for you. This is humbling – but essential – for professional problem-solvers.
I need to:
- put aside my agenda
- focus on the person in front of me
- notice the defensive behaviour
- be curious about it
- drop all assumptions about what might be behind the behaviour.
Maybe I start with a statement of intention:
This seems very hard right now. I want to understand.
And then I might ask:
What do you want me to know that I am not “getting”?
What are you most concerned about?
Something seems threatening. Can you tell me about it?
And sometimes this helps:
What do you wish I would ask you right now?
If your asking is experienced as a true desire to understand, you will notice listening and an openness to sharing ideas – to having a discussion about what matters. The positive effects of pure curiosity can bring calm and satisfaction, nourishing the human desire for self-discovery.
But if you aren’t curious, you won’t ask
Jacinta Gallant
