Emotional management and preparation before mediation
While the procedural aspects of mediation are vital, emotional preparation is equally, if not more, important to ensure a successful and productive outcome
Family mediation serves as a crucial tool for resolving conflicts and disputes within a family context without resorting to litigation. It encompasses issues such as divorce, child arrangements, financial settlements, and other familial disagreements.
This article delves into the significance of emotional readiness before entering family mediation and provides practical steps to achieve it. While we are focusing on mediation in particular here, it is important to note that most of the advice provided in this article can help in other stressful situations such as court hearings, private FDRs and collaborative law meetings.
Understanding emotional preparation
Emotional preparation involves becoming aware of one’s feelings, managing stress, and developing a mindset conducive to constructive dialogue. This process is essential ahead of family mediation due to the often deep-seated emotions, past grievances, and complex interpersonal dynamics. Entering mediation without addressing these emotional components can hinder communication, exacerbate conflicts, and impede the mediation process.
As with most important events in life, preparation is key. There is no risk and many benefits in being well prepared, and taking the time to do so properly will bring improved results to both parties.
Why emotional preparation is crucial
Emotional preparation is important in any stressful context. It allows both parties to approach the event using their rational brain rather than in a “fight or flight” mode. Family mediation should be treated as a business negotiation where emotions are set aside, only interests matter. Aside from the obvious benefit of making the mediation process more effective and smoother, there are many advantages in clients taking the time to understand and manage their emotions before entering each session:
1. Enhances communication: Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful mediation. When individuals are emotionally prepared, they can articulate their needs and concerns more clearly and listen to the other party with empathy and understanding. This calm and business-like approach allows former couples to keep an open mind and reach mutually beneficial solutions.
2. Reduces conflict: Emotional preparation helps individuals manage their anger, frustration, and resentment. By processing these emotions beforehand, parties are less likely to engage in aggressive or defensive behaviours during mediation. This creates a more respectful and co-operative atmosphere conducive to problem-solving. One of the top tips I always share with my clients is to stay clear from discussing the past. Mediation is a future-looking conversation and reviving past issues will only lead to further conflict.
3. Promotes rational decision-making: High emotions can cloud judgement and lead to impulsive decisions that may not be in one’s best interest. Being emotionally prepared allows individuals to approach the mediation process with a clear mind, enabling them to make thoughtful and rational decisions based on facts and realistic considerations. It also means that they are less likely to throw in the towel out of despair, or dig in their heals because of a sense of moral justice.
4. Builds resilience: Mediation can be a challenging and emotionally taxing process. Emotional preparation equips individuals with coping mechanisms to handle stress and setbacks. This resilience is crucial for maintaining focus and commitment throughout the mediation process. By leveraging tools such as sophrology and conflict de-escalation methods, divorcing individuals are also learning that they have some control over situations that are difficult or unpleasant.
5. Fosters long-term solutions: Mediation aims to achieve lasting resolutions that work for all parties involved. When individuals are emotionally prepared, they are more likely to engage in collaborative problem-solving and reach agreements that consider everyone’s needs and interests, leading to more sustainable outcomes.
Steps to achieve emotional preparation
So, given the value of being emotionally prepared for Family mediation, let’s explore some of the techniques I leverage with my clients to help them reach the right state of mind ahead of the first session.
First and foremost, it is important to enter mediation with the right expectations. Understanding that the mediator is a neutral party, not a judge who needs to be convinced or won over, is essential to entering with the right expectations.
The role of the mediator is to help the couple find a mutually acceptable agreement, not to make decisions for them. In the same vein, this means that no one will come out a winner or a loser. Mediation is effectively an assisted negotiation process, which means that both parties will need to concede some things in order to achieve the outcomes that matter most to them. Integrating this reality will contribute greatly to each party’s ability to approach the mediation sessions with the right attitude and to avoid disappointment.
The second but equally important step to emotional preparation is the definition of personal success. As mentioned above, no one will come out of mediation a “winner” over their ex. One of the first things a divorce coach does with their clients is to help them define a vision for their future life – and, therefore, what an ideal divorce outcome looks like. Visualisation can be an extremely powerful tool in helping people stay the course during difficult negotiations.
Their version of success will not exist relative to their former spouse but solely based on their own needs and ambitions. This will be the North Star towards which they will be working throughout their divorce and which will guide their decision-making during the negotiations. Most importantly, this will be how they will measure whether the mediation has been a success or a failure. No matter what the outcome is for their ex, and what concessions they have had to make, the measure of success becomes whether each party feels that their main interests have been met.
It isn’t uncommon for divorcing couples to enter family mediation in the hope of getting moral justice. There is a very high chance that someone entering mediation with the expectation of getting their day in court will be disappointed. First of all, the mediator is not a judge and remains neutral. Second, the divorce process in England and Wales, based on a no-fault principle, is not built with the intention of providing moral judgement on each party’s behaviour during and after the marriage. Those who approach mediation with the hope that their ex is going to be exposed for their bad behaviour will inevitably feel let down by the process, and are more likely to give up on it before reaching an agreement.
Beyond these three cornerstones of the emotional preparation process, there are a number of important steps one should consider prior to beginning family mediation, which will help clients enter the process in the right state of mind:
1. Feel at ease: In order to be successful, mediation requires both parties to feel safe and at ease. Clients need to remember that as one of the two parties to the negotiations, they have a say about how and when the mediation takes place. They also need to take the time to select a mediator who inspires confidence and who works in a way they are comfortable with.
2. Self-reflection: Clients also need to take time to reflect on their emotions and understand what triggers them, acknowledging their feelings about the dispute and identifying any underlying fears or concerns. I advise my clients to prepare themselves for some of the things their ex might do to upset them and commit to not taking the bait. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help them gain clarity.
3. Seek support: Clients should consider seeking support from a qualified divorce coach or counsellor. Professional guidance can help them process their emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain insights into how to approach the mediation process effectively.
4. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation, sophrology, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation, can help clients stay calm and centred. These practices reduce stress and increase emotional awareness, making it easier to manage difficult emotions during mediation. There are many small strategies that can be built into their “emergency tool kit” when faced with strong emotions to bring them back into the here and now.
5. Set realistic expectations: Mediation is a process that requires time and effort. Clients need to set realistic expectations for the outcomes and be prepared for compromises, recognising that while not all issues may be resolved immediately, progress can still be made.
6. Develop communication skills: Clients can work on their communication skills by practising active listening, assertiveness, and empathy. Effective communication involves expressing needs clearly while also being open to understanding the other party’s perspective. It also means learning how to keep the conversation open, and not antagonising the other party by adopting inflexible positions.
7. Create a supportive environment: I always advise clients to surround themselves with supportive individuals who can provide encouragement and perspective, but to avoid discussing the mediation process with those who may escalate their emotions or provide unhelpful advice.
Conclusion
Emotional preparation is a vital component of family mediation that cannot be overlooked. Unfortunately, the nature of the divorce process requires individuals to make important life-changing decisions at a time when they are feeling particularly distraught and vulnerable. Learning how to recognise and manage emotions is the best way to avoid making ill-advised decisions based on the strong feelings they experience at that time. The agreements reached during the divorce negotiations will often have long-term implications and they need to be thought through and explored based on facts, not feelings. For anyone entering family mediation, investing time and effort into emotional preparation is therefore a crucial step towards achieving a positive and lasting resolution.