Welcome to the first instalment of our new advice column, where psychotherapist member Elinor Harvey answers your questions about the emotional realities of family justice practice. From managing difficult cases to maintaining resilience and professional boundaries, this series offers practical, compassionate guidance for the challenges that don’t always feature in legal handbooks.
Dear Elinor,
have an ongoing case which has really got under my skin. It involves a child who has been abused by their parent and I’ve found it upsetting to read some of the corresponding paperwork and statements. It makes me so angry and it’s causing me difficulties sleeping and I feel I’m falling behind at work. I think it’s because some of the material resonates from my own upbringing, but I feel terrible that I’m letting my own feelings get in the way and potentially failing my client. Everyone else seems to cope fine, but please can you share some strategies so I can stop feeling this way?
Thank you for your message. It is a brave thing to raise this topic, especially when you believe that ‘everyone else seems to cope fine’, and it is an even braver thing to ask for help. Feeling affected by abusive case material doesn’t make you a failure or weak. It makes you human. And trust me, not ‘everyone else’ is coping.
We know that burnout rates in family law are significant, and a large part of that is down to the psychological distress, or vicarious trauma, which can occur when indirectly exposed to someone else’s trauma. This can be through reading case paperwork, looking at photos or videos, or even in court when cross-examining witnesses. The impact can be far ranging from physiological impacts such as a racing heart or headaches, impaired concentration, intrusive thoughts, relationship difficulties, or, as in your case, sleep problems. Many lawyers find they dread coming to work, worrying about how they can manage their overwhelming feelings.
It’s vital not to frame this as a personal failing. In fact, your body is responding to a perceived threat in exactly the way it has evolved to do. Your primeval brain, the amygdala, brain stem and limbic system, is designed to scan for danger, and kick starts your ‘fight-flight-fawn-freeze’ system if a threat is perceived (argh Ttger!). This case, perhaps especially because it resonates personally, is being logged as a threat, and your body is responding accordingly. To navigate this, we need to teach the brain, and the body, that you are safe. There is no tiger.
One way to do this is to name your feelings and give yourself some compassion and permission to feel them. This can seem counter-intuitive: “surely I want to get rid of these awful feelings?” you may ask! However, pushing our feelings down, trying to get rid of them, doesn’t make them go away. It typically creates a ‘jack in the box’ where those emotions are just waiting to pop up again, when you least expect it.
Instead, naming your emotions, noticing where you feel them in your body, and giving yourself permission to feel them is a key stage in starting to feel safe. You can place your hands on that part of your body, take some slow, deep breaths (Try ‘box breathing techniques’), and offer yourself some compassion and kindness. Honestly, it’s really is ok that you feel this way.
Not being able to sleep can be particularly draining, especially when you’re in a demanding job. You may find it helpful to write things down before bed. Keeping a little notebook by your bed can really help you to process the day healthily, and just jotting down a few thoughts and feelings can clear your head. You may also find it useful to look at your work boundaries while you’re supporting this client. Is it possible to organise your time so you’re finishing earlier some days to fit in extra self-care, or only reading distressing material with the support of colleagues around you?
Finally, none of what you’ve said makes you a bad lawyer. A few conversations with some trusted colleagues I’m sure would reassure you that many people feel this way when exposed to distressing material. I can hear that you’re beating yourself up especially because of the way this case lands with your own experience. That is also totally normal. No-one goes through life unaffected by their childhoods, and it’s natural that some things are going to feel close to home, even in a professional context. Reframing this, perhaps being affected by your childhood has enabled you to care deeply for your clients and given you a passion for justice. However, it’s not just a case of ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’: we also need to allow ourselves to note when we feel old wounds surface. Seeking some counselling sessions can make a difference to understanding and healing these wounds, and many firms also offer Reflective Practice supervision sessions to support their teams too.
Caring deeply about your clients is often what makes someone an excellent family professional. The challenge isn’t to stop caring, but to recognise when the emotional weight of the work means you need support yourself.
Elinor Harvey, The Relationship Practice
If you have a question you’d like Elinor to answer in a future column, or would like to find out more about her work, you can contact her at [email protected] or visit www.relationshiptherapypractice.com for more info.
