NEW! A Therapist’s View

Looking for the green flags

I’m Adèle, and I am absolutely delighted to have the opportunity to share some Relationship Therapist thoughts with you over the next few issues.

A really big thank you to Annmarie Carvalho for the past six instalments, sharing with us her thoughts about law and psychology. I think what you might notice straightaway is a difference in our ideas and style of practice. In my view, that is such a good thing. As therapists and counsellors, we are all so different. The theories that underpin our practice are varied and we can, at times, all feel very passionate about the way we work.

I believe that finding the right therapist or counsellor (or coach for that matter), for YOU, is key. Whether that is in a personal or professional capacity. So, first, I would like to give you a little insight into the way I practice.

When I am working with clients, during the first session I often say it is important that we can create a good therapeutic relationship. What that means is that for the first few sessions we are both getting to know each other to see if we “fit”. Yes, there is work being done during those times, but we are also checking to see if the therapeutic relationship is working. If it is not doing so for either of us, then we have a conversation about whether to continue working together or not.

It is a bit like buying a new pair of shoes. Some look fabulous but when you try them on they are uncomfortable, and you may get blisters. So, you pick a different pair that are more suitable. Think Goldilocks and the three Bears. Too hot, too cold, just right! Keep trying until you find the therapist who is “just right” for you.

I have always worked collaboratively with my clients. What I mean by this is that I rarely book several sessions in one go – we discuss and decide together how and how often we work. Boundaries are set, expectations discussed and managed. Sessions are interactive, varied and ethically executed. There is rarely a pre-agreed agenda.

Throughout my working life I have consciously (and unconsciously) chosen to work with people: as a nurse (adults and paediatrics), health visitor, practice nurse and now as a relationship therapist. The constant throughout all roles is a fascination with the interactions and behaviours between individuals and groups of people.

I have therefore enjoyed working with people – professionals and non-professionals – from all occupations and walks of life.

Experience has taught me that throughout many areas of practice, there are those who are high achievers, those who are quietly calm and constant in their approach, and those who struggle more. The psychology for all is similar. It is less about the work we have chosen to do, and more about the people we are that matters, about how we are raised by our care-givers and those who have influenced us during our formative years. It’s also about how we feel about ourselves, our relationships with others and the wider world, our behaviour and how we manage it.

I worked with a couple many years ago. One practised psychology and the other psychiatry. My supervisor at the time asked me if I felt ok about working with them. She wondered whether I might feel intimidated by their professional status. I thought about this and decided that despite their roles, they were a couple who were “stuck” in some way and needed help to “un-stick”. I worked with them for a few months and that work was interesting – we all learned a lot.

It is important to me, when working with clients, that I see the person – the human being – an individual whose work/life experiences might be mirrored by others or even by my own, but crucially they have their own unique understanding and behavioural responses attached to that.

When we meet with others, we bring some of ourselves along too. As therapists, we are taught to be mindful of allowing our own experiences to influence the client. Regular supervision is mandatory for therapeutic professions and essential for our practice and, in my view, should be available to all professionals.

So there it is, in a whistle-stop-tour kind of way, some insight into my working method.

There are so many topics that I could write about, and I have chosen the next four. It would be lovely to know if there were any specific areas you’d like to hear about. So as we go along, please contact myself or Resolution with your ideas for the final article.

Examining our own relationships

“You are our last resort.” If I had a pound for every time a couple said that to me in therapy, I would have an extra holiday at least! As professionals working in the separation and divorce space, much time is spent within the relationships of our clients. We listen to their stories, hear about their heartache and do what we can to help them. But… what about us? What about our relationships?

It’s fascinating that in a world where we spend so much time taking care of ourselves – we go to the gym, hairdressers, nail bar, buy clothes, read magazines about how to have good health, a beautiful garden or the perfect home – in the technological age that is obsessed, it seems, with how we look and what we do – that we don’t spend as much time examining our own relationships.

Or do we? How many of us watch or listen to reels, vlogs, blogs and podcasts talking about relationships, but don’t do anything with that information?

We get up every morning, and go to bed at night, wondering what our work colleagues, intimate partners or family members meant when they said or did something that we didn’t quite understand. Has what we are told or how we are spoken to resulted in us no longer feeling like ourselves? But do we do anything to gain some clarity? Ask yourself some questions:

• Have our lives been diminished in some way? Our world shrunken into a specific set of rules with dramatic consequences if we break them.
• Have our lives, that were so full of fun and opportunity for adventure, our joint dreams for a future laden with possibility, changed beyond comprehension?
• Do we try to engage with our significant other, only to be met by a wall of silence or conflict?
• Do we have connection, contentedness and generally good relationships? Or are they filled with apprehension, anxiety and fear?

If the above has got you thinking about your own relationships, then maybe it’s time for a relationship wellbeing check.

We talk so much about wellbeing these days but don’t always associate it with our relationships. Wellness permeates into all aspects of our life and if something is out of kilter, then it can have a knock-on effect elsewhere.

So what is a healthy relationship?

1. Take a good, long look at your relationships: family, partner, work colleagues, friends. Maybe look at each category in turn.
2. Are you generally happy with how they work?
3. Do you feel heard? Are your opinions listened to, valued, validated – even if they are not always agreed with?
4. Are your boundaries respected?
5. Do you feel able to express your feelings, even if they might upset the other person?
6. Are you enabled or disabled by others?

These are some of the questions I might ask during therapy, and they are questions I ask myself.

Healthy relationships – I could write about this all day long. They are impacted by so many things. Our childhood, the influences of others during our teenage years, and the dynamics of those whom we spend time with during our adult life, to name a few.

Often, we are encouraged to look for “red flags”, especially in our intimate relationships. But here are some “green flags” to look for. I believe that if we look for the green, the red is so much more noticeable.

• equality
• individuality and alone time
• clear, open, communication
• mutual respect
• compromise from both
• fun
• fair disagreement
• reliability
• trust and consistency
• “this needs to work both ways”

I encourage you to take some time to consider the “health and wellbeing” of your relationships.

Reach out if you need help or are struggling. Early help can make such a difference. Try not to leave it until it becomes a last resort.

adele@eledaconsultancy.com