Year of the Code: How language can help parent focus on what really matters

For parents, family disputes are a deeply emotional field, with separation and divorce often bringing heightened tensions and distress. While family professionals must advocate for their clients, the way they communicate—both in writing and speech—can either fuel hostility or foster resolution.

Resolution’s Code of Practice starts with the importance of reducing conflict, ensuring that its members handle cases in a way that promotes constructive communication and amicable resolutions. This is a hugely important standard and one that in this Year of the Code and beyond, we must revisit to remind ourselves of. Having the continued accountability of the Code means we all act more mindfully and responsibly with our clients.

Language is one of the ways we can do that. It’s a powerfully positive tool when wielded in the right way. The words we choose can either escalate or de-escalate conflict. Being mindful enough to choose words that don’t elicit a negative reaction means that processes stay on track more easily. Sometimes we need to be tough, but that doesn’t mean we need to be provocative. Adversarial or inflammatory language can escalate emotions and make resolution more difficult for parents. Terms like custody battle, winning the case, or fighting for rights frame the process as a contest rather than a negotiation, meaning co-parenting can become more contentious. Being able to co-parent well is critical for children, who need both parents to work together to support them as they grow and develop.

Instead, shifting to language that encourages co-operation—such as shared parenting, parenting arrangements, or working towards agreement—helps reduce the adversarial nature of separation. Resolution’s Code of Practice urges professionals to take a constructive approach, focusing on solutions that prioritise the wellbeing of all parties, especially children.

The Family Solutions Group has also been instrumental in highlighting the significance of language in family law, calling for a shift away from adversarial terminology to bring about better co-operation.

It’s also really important that we remind parents of their role in reducing conflict. Showing them how quickly blame, and defensiveness, and accusatory language, can turn amicable discussions into confrontations is helpful. When parents are being led by an (understandable) emotional response, it can be hard, without the right tools, to be constructive and neutral.

Giving them tools to do this, whether through helpful books such as The Co-Parenting Method or the Parenting Through Separation Guide means that you are supporting them and therefore their children.

When it’s becoming hard to avoid conflict it can be helpful to come back to the idea of putting the children front and centre. The focus of family law should always be the wellbeing of the child. Phrasing discussions around what is in the best interest of the child, rather than what one parent wants, helps shift priorities toward a positive outcome because it moves away from a win/lose mindset and into a win/win mindset.

A four-step approach to help adhere to the code can be a useful tool to draw on.

1. Reframing language into positive or neutral language.
2. Encouraging mediation or non-confrontational approaches in the first instance to aim to resolve disputes in a way that minimises emotional harm.
3. Being respectful in written correspondence or, even better, picking up the phone and speaking to the other parent’s lawyer. We need to remember we are all human beings with lives outside of work.
4. The right resources for clients outside of legal advice can be essential to help them move through this process in a safe and structured way, focusing on the children and their welfare.

Resolution’s Code of Practice highlights that the ultimate goal of any separation process should be to ensure children continue to have a safe, stable and loving relationship with both parents. Having a child-focused approach and reinforcing the importance of language are critical in shaping positive outcomes for families.

As a sector we have the power to shape the emotional landscape of separation through the language we employ. By using words that de-escalate conflict, encourage co-operation, and centre on the well-being of children, lawyers, mediators, barristers, judges, therapists and coaches can play a crucial role in reducing the pain and animosity of divorce.

Through mindful communication, reframing language, and promoting solutions over battles, we can contribute to healthier co-parenting relationships. As Resolution’s Code of Practice demonstrates, when parents work together with the right guidance, children can thrive even after separation. The challenge is clear: choose words that heal, not harm.

Marcie’s forthcoming book, The Co-Parenting Method: Six Steps to Raise Happy Kids after Separation and Divorce, will be published by Penguin on 27 March.