Divorce without destruction

As Resolution members will be aware, finding a way through divorce that is less hostile and more collaborative often results in lower legal costs and happier outcomes. As a family lawyer and a divorce coach, we often see people at the outset of their separation journey, overwhelmed and questioning how they can stay calm, when everything feels so chaotic, but combining legal guidance with emotional support can help clients proceed with dignity and direction.

Divorce is a loss, and healing is a process

Sarah: As a divorce coach, one of the most important truths I share with clients is this: going through a divorce is a form of grief. Just like the loss of a loved one, divorce marks the end of something deeply significant, but unlike death, the person your client is grieving is still alive, and that can add a unique complexity to the healing process.

Clients may find themselves cycling through emotions like denial, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, and even relief, sometimes all within a single day. This emotional rollercoaster is not a sign that something is wrong: it’s a sign that they are human, and are trying to make sense of change, loss, and uncertainty. These feelings don’t follow a neat, linear path. There’s no step-by-step checklist for healing from divorce. On some days, a client may feel strong and independent; on others, broken or overwhelmed. Both are valid.

What is most important is that clients acknowledge what they feel rather than trying to suppress it. Stuffing emotions down or pretending you’re “fine” doesn’t make the pain go away, it just delays the healing.

Divorce is more than just the legal process; it’s an emotional journey. And how clients show up emotionally can make or break their ability to take clear, confident decisions. I advise clients to focus on four core strategies:

1. Build a breakup support team

It is crucial that client understand that they don’t have to go through this alone. I urge them to surround yourself with the right people: a coach, a therapist, and friends who truly listen. Ideally, they should seek friends who support without judgement, and won’t overwhelm them with their own stories.

2. Prioritise self-care

Divorce drains you, emotionally, mentally, physically. That’s why self-care isn’t optional. Whether it’s journaling, movement, quiet time, or therapy, clients need to find what grounds them. Wellbeing fuels resilience.

3. Coaching helps you stay calm and clear

A divorce coach helps clients process emotions, manage triggers, and stay focused so they can make smart, logical decisions, especially when emotions run high. Coaching also helps prepare clients for legal conversations, so they can approach them with confidence and clarity.

4. Collaboration makes the difference

When a coach and lawyer work together, clients get the full picture: legal expertise and emotional steadiness. That means fewer emotional outbursts, smarter decisions, and a smoother process overall.

Managing conflict: strategies for constructive communication

Lucy: High-conflict divorces often lead to longer, more expensive legal disputes. In financial proceedings, the court is not, generally, concerned with blame or past conduct. Such issues often raise the temperature unjustifiably and distract from the legal issues at hand. The legal process looks forward, not backwards, and it is seldom a suitable platform to explore or air past grievances, as was made clear in JY v KF [2025] EWFC 195 (B): “The court will not consider the reasons that a marriage broke down…”. That is why it can be very helpful to advise clients to engage with a suitable professional, such as a breakup coach or therapist, to address those feelings separately. Constructive communication and a focus on resolution, not retribution, will serve clients better in the long run.

Sarah: Divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality can feel like walking on eggshells. But work with my clients to show that they can take control of how they respond and protect their peace in the process. I set out five powerful ways to de-escalate tension during a high-conflict divorce:

• Respond, don’t react: pause before replying to hostile messages. Stay calm and stick to the facts. Use the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) to avoid fuelling drama.
• Set boundaries around communication: keep it short, clear, and business-like. Decide when and how you’ll respond, and don’t engage with every message.
• Avoid the drama triangle: don’t play the victim, rescuer or attacker. Step out of emotional power plays and focus on your goals and wellbeing.
• Regulate your nervous system: high stress = poor decisions. I suggest clients try deep breathing, movement, or mindfulness to stay grounded before responding.
• Work with a divorce coach: a coach helps clients manage emotions, set boundaries, and stay calm and strategic , especially when legal conversations are involved.

Clients may not be able to control their ex’s behaviour, but they can control how they respond. And that changes everything.

Creating a child-centred approach

Lucy: The government’s recent move to remove the presumption of parental contact underscores its commitment to safeguarding children. Yet, where no risks exist, it remains in children’s best interests to maintain strong, healthy relationships with both parents, ensuring their emotional wellbeing and stability. What that looks like for each child will depend on the specific circumstances of the family. Resources such as the Cafcass website offer helpful tools, including Parenting Plan templates and guidance for separated parents.

Positive communication between co-parents is key and there are tools, such as co-parenting apps, to support the post-separation parenting relationship.

Sarah: As a divorce coach, one of the most important things I help clients do is protect their children emotionally during the divorce process. A child-centred approach means keeping your child’s wellbeing front and centre, even when emotions are high. I urge clients to:

• Separate conflict from co-parenting.
• Reassure them often. Let them know this is not their fault and they are deeply loved by both parents. Children often internalise blame, so repeat this message more than once.
• Focus on their needs. What gives them stability, routine, and a sense of safety? Make decisions based on that, not on what feels “fair” to the adults.
• Use calm, age-appropriate language. Don’t vent to or through children. Speak in a way that helps them feel safe and supported.
• Model emotional steadiness. When clients take care of their own emotions, with the help of a coach, therapist, or support team, the children feels more secure.

Divorce changes family structure, but it should never change how safe, loved, and supported the children feel.

Lessons from the trenches

Lucy:  A positive, low-conflict separation is possible, but it requires preparation and the right support. Early legal advice is an investment in clarity. It helps define the parameters of a fair settlement, identify suitable dispute resolution methods, and map out a clear path forward. Financial advice is also crucial, especially if the client is not used to managing household finances.

The key here is to avoid letting emotions dictate clients’ legal strategy. Acting on impulse or trying to “get it over with” can lead to poor outcomes, higher costs, and unnecessary stress.

Sarah: One of the concepts I encourage clients to take on board is shift your mindset: divorce isn’t a battle—it’s a breakthrough. Let go of the “win at all costs” mentality. Divorce isn’t about defeating the ex, it’s about reclaiming your own peace, power and future. When clients hold onto revenge, denial, or avoidance, they’re not punishing their ex, they are postponing their own healing.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a battleground. With the right legal strategy and emotional support, it is entirely possible to navigate the transition with clarity, dignity, and purpose. In our experience, the key for clients is to surround themselves with the right team.

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