A therapist’s view: No trespassing!

Just what is it about boundaries that gets people so tangled up in knots? I wonder what deters us from creating, sharing and upholding our boundaries. I was working with a client a long time ago who was in their late 60s. After I had heard their story, and began unraveling why they had sought my help, it became obvious to me that this person had very few, if any boundaries.

There had been two long-term relationships in this client’s lifetime and both had been emotionally abusive.

At work, they were often doing the lion’s share and many times colleagues left for the day leaving them behind to finish up.

I asked about boundaries.  “I don’t believe in boundaries. You shouldn’t need to put boundaries in place with people – especially people you love”, was their reply. It’s interesting that my client held this view, especially when it seemed all their relationships had been to their detriment.

A discussion ensued. This client didn’t know what boundaries were. So, I’m asking all of you, before you read on, pause for a moment and consider: “What is a boundary and how do you put one in place?”

What did you come up with?

As a relationship therapist, I spend a lot of time trying to help people create boundaries not only in their intimate relationships, but within friendship groups and in the workplace.

I like to imagine boundaries as lines which create a matrix around us and act as a barrier to protect us from harm. They are invisible to the naked eye but are strong enough to keep out anything that we consider unacceptable or harmful. Boundaries act as a blueprint for our relationships with others – guidelines we set for ourselves that define what is acceptable when we are relating with others and, importantly, how we might respond if those lines are crossed.

There are many kinds of boundaries: physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual/religious, ethical, work, time, etc.

When I am working with clients and particularly talking about setting boundaries, I ask them to consider four questions:

1. What’s ok?
2. What’s not ok?
3. What needs to change to make it ok?
4. What will happen if someone crosses the line?

If we put a boundary in place, we need to deliver a consequence if that boundary is crossed. Boundaries with no consequences are easy to keep crossing! I sometimes meet with people who have, in theory, set some great boundaries, but when push comes to shove, they just can’t uphold them.

So, what prevents us from putting boundaries in place and upholding them? There are many reasons, but two of the most frequent that I come across are fear of conflict and low self esteem. We need to feel worth it – I call it the “L’Oréal moment” – to put a boundary in place and maintain it.

Placing value on what we think and feel really matters. If we fear reprisal from others, or we are used to having our wishes, feelings, thoughts and opinions minimised by others, then our confidence sinks to the floor and we tend to back down. If we struggle to say no, always want to please people or fear rejection from others, this can severely impact our ability to create and uphold boundaries.

Here’s something to try. Take 15 minutes out of your day and think about:

1. One thing in your life, either at home or work that occurs more often than you would like it to. (Pick something small to begin with).
2. Ask yourself, “what’s ok about it, what’s not ok and what needs to be different to make it ok?”
3. Determine how you might ask people to respect what you want.
4. Decide on what the consequence might be if someone steps over your boundary.
5. Pick a day to insert your new boundary into your day-to-day life.
6. Practice it.

• Remember you are allowed to have boundaries – they keep you safe.
• Expect a reaction from people who know you – boundaries change the way people see you.
• Be consistent – try not to back down if people push back.
• Be prepared to lose some people – boundaries keep unwanted relationships out.
• Remember, you won’t always get it right the first few times – try not to be deterred, try again tomorrow.

If you are really struggling, ask for help.

Good luck!

[email protected]